Mr Salary – a short story by Sally Rooney - The Irish Times

Mr Salary was shortlisted for the Sunday Times EFG short story award ... Nathan was waiting with his hands in his pockets beside the silver ... SignupforalertsfromTheIrishTimes NotNow Iaminterested Justclickon“AllowNotifications”onthemessageappearingonyourbrowsertoactivatethem. Wewillsendyouaquickreminderinthefuture,incaseyouchangeyourmind.         NathanwaswaitingwithhishandsinhispocketsbesidethesilverChristmastreeinthearrivalsloungeatDublinairport.Thenewterminalwasbrightandpolished,withalotofescalators.Ihadjustbrushedmyteethintheairportbathroom.MysuitcasewasuglyandIwastryingtocarryitwithadegreeofirony.WhenNathansawmeheasked:Whatisthat,ajokesuitcase? Youlookgood,Isaid. Heliftedthecaseoutofmyhand.Ihopepeopledon’tthinkthisbelongstomenowthatI’mcarryingit,hesaid.Hewasstillwearinghisworkclothes,averycleannavysuit.Nobodywouldthinkthesuitcasebelongedtohim,itwasobvious.Iwastheonewearingblackleggingswithaholeinoneknee,andIhadn’twashedmyhairsinceIleftBoston. Youlookunbelievablygood,Isaid.YoulookbetterthanlasttimeIsawyoueven. IthoughtIwasindeclinebynow.Age-wise.YoulookOK,butyou’reyoung,so. Whatareyoudoing,yogaorsomething? I’vebeenrunning,hesaid.Thecar’sjustouthere. OutsideitwasbelowzeroandathinrimoffrosthadformedonthecornersofNathan’swindshield.Theinteriorofhiscarsmelledlikeairfreshenerandthebrandofaftershavehelikedtowearto‘events’.Ididn’tknowwhattheaftershavewascalledbutIknewwhatthebottlelookedlike.IsawitindrugstoressometimesandifIwashavingabaddayIletmyselfscrewthecapoff. Myhairfeelsphysicallyunclean,Isaid.Notjustunwashedbutactivelydirty. Nathanclosedthedoorandputthekeysintheignition.ThedashlitupinsoftScandinaviancolours. Youdon’thaveanynewsyou’vebeenwaitingtotellmeinperson,doyou?hesaid. Dopeopledothat? Youdon’thavelikeasecrettattoooranything? IwouldhaveattacheditasaJPEG,Isaid.Believeme. Hewasreversingoutoftheparkingspaceandontotheneatlitavenueleadingtotheexit.IpulledmyfeetupontothepassengerseatsothatIcouldhugmykneesagainstmychestuncomfortably. Why?Isaid.Doyouhavenews? Yeahyeah,Ihaveagirlfriendnow. Iturnedmyheadtofacehimextremelyslowly,onedegreeafteranother,likeIwasacharacterinslowmotioninahorrorfilm. What?Isaid. Actuallywe’regettingmarried.Andshe’spregnant. ThenIturnedmyfacebacktostareatthewindshield.Theredbrakelightsofthecarinfrontsurfacedthroughtheicelikeamemory. OK,funny,Isaid.Yourjokesarealwaysveryhumorous. Icouldhaveagirlfriend.Hypothetically. Butthenwhatwouldwejokeabouttogether? Heglancedatmeasthebarrierwentupforthecarinfrontofus. IsthatthecoatIboughtyou?hesaid. Yes.Iwearittoremindmethatyou’rereal. Nathanrolledhiswindowdownandinsertedaticketintothemachine.ThroughNathan’swindowthenightairwasdeliciousandfrosty.Helookedoveratmeagainafterherolleditup. I’msohappytoseeyouI’mhavingtroubletalkinginmynormalaccent,hesaid. That’sOK.Iwashavingalotoffantasiesaboutyouontheplane. Ilookforwardtohearingthem.Doyouwanttopickupsomefoodonthewayhome? Ihadn’tbeenplanningtocomebacktoDublinforChristmas,butmyfatherFrankwasbeingtreatedforleukaemiaatthetime.MymotherhaddiedfromcomplicationsaftermybirthandFrankhadneverremarried,solegallyspeakinghewasmyonlyrealfamily.AsIexplainedinmy‘happyholidays’emailtomynewclassmatesinBoston,hewasgoingtodienowtoo. Frankhadproblemswithprescriptiondrugs.DuringchildhoodIhadfrequentlybeenleftinthecareofhisfriends,whogavemeeithernoaffectionorelsesomuchthatIrecoiledandscruncheduplikeaporcupine.WelivedintheMidlands,andwhenImovedtoDublinforuniversityFranklikedtocallmeupandtalktomeaboutmylatemother,whomheinformedmewas‘nosaint’.Thenhewouldaskifhecouldborrowsomemoney.InmysecondyearofcollegeweranoutofsavingsandIcouldnolongerpayrent,somymother’sfamilycastaroundforsomeoneIcouldlivewithuntilmyexamswereover. Nathan’soldersisterwasmarriedtoanuncleofmine,that’showIendedupmovinginwithhim.Iwasnineteenthen.Hewasthirty-fourandhadabeautifultwo-bedroomapartmentwherehelivedalonewithagranite-toppedkitchenisland.Atthetimeheworkedforastart-upthatdeveloped‘behaviouralsoftware’,whichhadsomethingtodowithfeelingsandconsumerresponsiveness.Nathantoldmeheonlyhadtomakepeoplefeelthings:makingthembuythingscamelateronintheprocess.AtsomepointthecompanyhadbeenboughtoutbyGoogle,andnowtheyallmadehilarioussalariesandworkedinabuildingwithexpensivehanddryersinthebathroom. Nathanwasveryrelaxedaboutmemovinginwithhim;hedidn’tmakeitweird.Hewasclean,butnotprudish,andagoodcook.Wedevelopedinterestsineachother’slives.ItooksideswhenfactionaldisputesaroseinhisofficeandheboughtmethingsIadmiredinshopwindows.IwasonlysupposedtostayuntilIfinishedmyexamsthatsummer,butIendeduplivingtherefornearlythreeyears.MycollegefriendsworshippedNathanandcouldn’tunderstandwhyhespentsomuchmoneyonme.IthinkIdidunderstand,butIcouldn’texplainit.Hisownfriendsseemedtoassumetherewassomekindofsordidarrangementinvolved,becausewhenhelefttheroomtheymadecertainremarkstowardme. Theythinkyou’repayingmeforsomething,Itoldhim. ThatmadeNathanlaugh.I’mnotreallygettingmymoney’sworth,amI?hesaid.Youdon’tevendoyourownfuckinglaundry. AttheweekendwewatchedTwinPeaksandsmokedweedtogetherinhislivingroom,andwhenitgotlateheorderedinmorefoodthaneitherofuscouldpossiblyeat.Onenighthetoldmehecouldremembermychristening.Hesaidtheyservedacakewithalittlebabymadeoutoficingonthetop. Acutebaby,hetoldme. Cuterthanme?Isaid. Yeahwell,youweren’tthatcute. ItwasNathanwhopaidformyflighthomefromBostonthatChristmas.AllIhadtodowasask. ThenextmorningaftermyshowerIstoodlettingmyhairdripontothebathmat,checkingvisitinghoursonmyphone.FrankhadbeenmovedtothehospitalinDublinforinpatienttreatmentaftercontractingasecondaryinfectionduringchemotherapy.Hehadtogetantibioticsonadrip.Gradually,asthesteamheatinthebathroomdissipated,afineveilofgoosebumpsroseupovermyskin,andinthemirrormyreflectionclarifiedandthinneduntilIcouldseemyownpores.Onweekdays,visitinghoursranfrom6to8p.m. SinceFrankwasdiagnosedeightweekspreviously,Ihadspentmyfreetimeamassinganencyclopaedicknowledgeofchroniclymphocyticleukaemia.TherewaspracticallynothingleftaboutitthatIdidn’tknow.Igraduatedwaypastthebookletstheyprintedforsufferersandontothehardmedicaltexts,onlinediscussiongroupsforoncologists,PDFsofrecentpeer-reviewedstudies.Iwasn’tundertheillusionthatthismademeagooddaughter,oreventhatIwasdoingitoutofconcernforFrank.Itwasinmynaturetoabsorblargevolumesofinformationduringtimesofdistress,likeIcouldmasterthedistressthroughintellectualdominance.ThisishowIlearnedhowunlikelyitwasthatFrankwouldsurvive.Heneverwouldhavetoldmehimself. NathantookmeChristmasshoppingintheafternoonbeforethehospitalvisit.Ibuttonedupmycoatandworealargefurhatsoastoappearmysteriousthroughshopwindows.Mymostrecentboyfriend,whomI’dmetatgradschoolinBoston,hadcalledme‘frigid’,butaddedthathe‘didn’tmeanitinasexualway’.SexuallyI’mverywarmandgenerous,Itoldmyfriends.It’sjusttheotherstuffwherethefrigiditycomesthrough. Theylaughed,butatwhat?Itwasmyjoke,soIcouldn’taskthem. Nathan’sphysicalclosenesshadasedativeeffectonme,andaswemovedfromshoptoshop,timeskimmedpastuslikeaniceskater.Ihadneverhadoccasiontovisitacancerpatientbefore.Nathan’smotherhadbeentreatedforbreastcancersometimeinthe1990s,butIwastooyoungtorememberthat.Shewashealthynowandplayedalotofgolf.WheneverIsawher,shetoldmeIwastheappleofherson’seye,inthoseexactwords.Shehadfastenedontothisphrase,probablybecauseitsolackedanysinisterconnotation.ItwouldhavebeenequallyapplicabletomeifIhadbeenNathan’sgirlfriendorhisdaughter.IthoughtIcouldplacemyselfprettyfirmlyonthegirlfriend-to-daughterspectrum,butIhadonceoverheardNathanreferringtomeashisniece,adegreeofremovalIresented. WewentforlunchonSuffolkStreetandputallourluxuriouspapergiftbagsunderthetable.Heletmeordersparklingwineandthemostexpensivemaincoursetheyhad. WouldyougrieveifIdied?Iaskedhim. Ican’thearawordyou’resaying.Chewyourfood. Iswallowedsubmissively.Hewatchedmeatfirstbutthenlookedaway. WoulditbeamajorbereavementforyouifIdied?Isaid. ThemostmajoroneIcanthinkof,yeah. Nobodyelsewouldgrieve. Lotsofpeoplewould,hesaid.Don’tyouhaveclassmates? HewasgivingmehisattentionnowsoItookanotherbiteofsteakandswalloweditbeforecontinuing. That’sshockyou’retalkingabout,Isaid.Imeanbereavement. Whataboutyourex-boyfriendthatIhate? Dennis?HewouldactuallylikeitifIdied. OK,that’sanotherdiscussion,saidNathan. I’mtalkingfull-scalegrief.Most24-year-oldswouldleavebehindalotofmourners,that’sallI’msaying.Withmeit’sjustyou. HeseemedtoconsiderthiswhileIworkedonthesteak. Idon’tliketheseconversationswhereyouaskmetoimagine yourdeath. Whynot? HowwouldyoulikeitifIdied? Ijustwanttoknowyouloveme,Isaid. Hemovedsomesaladaroundhisplatewithhiscutlery.Heusedcutlerylikearealadult,notshootingglancesatmetocheckifIwasadmiringhistechnique.Ialwaysshotglancesathim. RememberNewYear’sEvetwoyearsago?Isaid. No. It’sOK.TheYuletideisaveryromantictime. Helaughedatthat.Iwasgoodatmakinghimlaughwhenhedidn’twantto.Eatyourfood,Sukie,hesaid. Canyoudropmetothehospitalatsix?Iasked. NathanlookedatmethenasIknewhewould.Wewerepredictabletoeachother,liketwohalvesofthesamebrain.Outsidetherestaurantwindowithadstartedtosleet,andundertheorangestreetlightsthewetflakeslookedlikepunctuationmarks. Sure,hesaid.Doyouwantmetocomeinwithyou? No.He’llresentyourpresenceanyway. Ididn’tmeanforhisbenefit.Butthat’sallright. Forthelastseveralyears,inthegripofasevereaddictiontoprescriptionopiates,Frank’smentalstatehadwanderedinandoutofwhatyoumightcallcoherence.Sometimesonthephonehewashisoldself:complainingaboutparkingtickets,orcallingNathansarcasticnameslike‘MrSalary’.TheyhatedeachotherandImediatedtheirmutualhatredinawaythatmademefeelsuccessfullyfeminine.Othertimes,Frankwasreplacedbyadifferentman,ablankandsomehowinnocentpersonwhorepeatedthingsmeaninglesslyandleftprotractedsilenceswhichIhadtotryandfill.Ipreferredthefirstone,whoatleasthadasenseofhumour. Beforehewasdiagnosedwithleukaemia,IhadbeentoyingwithdescribingFrankasan‘abusivefather’whenthesubjectcameupatcampusparties.Ifeltsomeguiltaboutthatnow.Hewasunpredictable,butIdidn’tcowerinterrorofhim,andhisattemptsatmanipulation,thoughheavy,werenevereffective.Iwasn’tvulnerabletothem.Emotionally,Isawmyselfasasmooth,hardlittleball.Hecouldn’tgetpurchaseonme.Ijustrolledaway. Duringaphonecall,Nathanhadoncesuggestedthattherollingwasacopingstrategyonmypart.ItwaselevenatnightinBostonwhenIcalled,meaningitwasfourinthemorninginDublin,butNathanalwayspickedup. DoIrollawayfromyou?Isaid. No,hesaid.Idon’tthinkIexerttherequisitepressure. Oh,Idon’tknow.Hey,areyouinbed? Rightnow?Sure.Whereareyou? Iwasinbedtoo.Notforthefirsttimeduringthesephonecalls,IslippedmyhandbetweenmylegsandNathanpretendednottonotice.Ilikethesoundofyourvoice,Itoldhim.Afterseveralentirelysilentseconds,hereplied:Yes,Iknowyoudo. Forthewholetimewelivedtogetherhehadneverhadagirlfriend,butoccasionallyhecamehomelateandIcouldhearhimthroughmybedroomwallhavingsexwithotherwomen.IfIhappenedtomeetthewomanthefollowingmorning,Iwoulddiscreetlyinspectherforanyphysicalresemblancetomyself.ThiswayIfoundthateveryoneinsomesenselookslikeeveryoneelse.Iwasn’tjealous.InfactIlookedforwardtotheseincidentsonhisbehalf,thoughitwasnevercleartomeifheenjoyedthemthatmuch. ForthelastfewweeksnowNathanandIhadbeensendingeachotheremailsaboutmyflightdetails,whatourplansforChristmaswere,whetherIhadbeenintouchwithFrank.Isentmessagesdetailingmyresearch,quotingfromacademicpapersorcancerfoundationwebsites.Inchronicleukaemia,thecellscanmaturepartlybutnotcompletely,thewebsitesaid.Thesecellsmaylookfairlynormal,buttheyarenot. WhenwearrivedoutsidethehospitalthatnightandNathanwenttopark,Isaid:Yougo.I’llwalkhome.Helookedatme,withhishandsonthesteeringwheelinexactlythecorrectposition,asifIwashisdrivingexaminer. Go,Isaid.Thewalkwillbegoodforme.I’mjet-lagged. Hedrummedeachofhisfingersagainstthewheel. OK.Justcallmeifitstartsrainingagain,allright? Igotoutofthecarandhedroveoffwithoutwavingtome.Myloveforhimfeltsototalandsoannihilatingthatitwasoftenimpossibleformetoseehimclearlyatall.Ifheleftmylineofsightformorethanafewseconds,Icouldn’tevenrememberwhathisfacelookedlike.Ihadreadthatinfantanimalsformedattachmentstoinappropriatethingssometimes,likefalconsfallinginlovewiththeirhumanbreeders,orpandaswithzookeepers,thingslikethat.IoncesentNathanalistofarticlesaboutthisphenomenon.MaybeIshouldn’thavecometoyourchristening,hereplied. Twoyearsbefore,whenIwastwenty-two,wewenttoafamilyNewYear’spartytogetherandcamehomeverydrunkinataxi.Iwasstilllivingwithhimthen,finishingmyundergraduatedegree.Insidethedoorofhisapartment,againstthewallwiththecoathooks,hekissedme.Ifeltfeverishandstupid,likeathirstypersonwithtoomuchwatersuddenlypouringintotheirmouth.Thenhesaidinmyear:Wereallyshouldn’tdothis.Hewasthirty-eight.Thatwasit,hewenttobed.Weneverkissedagain.HeevenshruggeditoffwhenIjokedaboutit,theonlytimeIcouldrememberhimbeingunkindtome.DidIdosomething?Isaid,afterafewweeks.Thatmadeyouwanttostop,thattime.Myfacewasburning,Ifeltit.Hewinced.Hedidn’twanttohurtme.Hesaidno.Itwasover,thatwasit. Thehospitalhadarevolvingdoorandsmelledofdisinfectant.Lightsreflectedgarishlyonthelinoleumandpeoplechattedandsmiled,asifstandinginthelobbyofatheatreoruniversityratherthanabuildingforthesickanddying.Tryingtobebrave,Ithought.AndthenIthought:orafterawhileitjustbecomeslifeagain.IfollowedthesignsupstairsandaskedthenurseswhereFrankDoherty’sroomwas.Youmustbehisdaughter,theblondenursesaid.Sukie,isit?MynameisAmanda.Youcanfollowme. OutsideFrank’sroom,Amandahelpedmesecureaplasticapronaroundmywaistandtieapaperymedicalmaskbehindmyears.SheexplainedthatthiswasforFrank’sbenefitandnotmine.Hisimmunesystemwasvulnerableandminewasnot.Idisinfectedmyhandswithacold,astringentalcoholrubandthenAmandaopenedthedoor.Yourdaughterishere,shesaid.Asmallmanwassittingonthebedwithbandagedfeet.Hehadnohairandhisskullwasroundlikeapinkpoolball.Hismouthlookedsore.Oh,Isaid.Well,hello! AtfirstIdidn’tknowifherecognisedme,thoughwhenIsaidmynameherepeateditseveraltimes.Isatdown.Iaskedifhisbrothersandsistershadbeentoseehim;hecouldn’tseemtoremember.Hemovedhisthumbsbackandforthcompulsively,firstoneway,thenanother.ThisseemedtoabsorbsomuchattentionthatIwasn’tsurehewasevenlisteningtome.Boston’snice,Isaid.Verycoldthistimeofyear.TheCharleswasfrozenoverwhenIleft.IfeltlikeIwaspresentingaradioshowabouttraveltoanuninterestedaudience.Histhumbsmovedbackandforth,thenforthandback.Frank?Isaid.Hemumbledsomething,andIthought:well,evencatsrecognisetheirownnames. Howareyoufeeling?Isaid. Hedidn’tanswerthequestion.TherewasasmallTVsetfixedhighuponthewall. DoyouwatchmuchTVduringtheday?Isaid. Ithoughthewasn’tgoingtoanswerthat,andthenfromnowherehesaid:News. Youwatchthenews?Isaid.Thatwentnowhere. You’relikeyourmother,Franksaid. Istaredathim.Ifeltmybodybegintogocold,orperhapshot.Somethinghappenedtothetemperatureofmybodythatdidn’tfeelgood. Whatdoyoumean? Oh,youknowwhatkindofpersonyouare. DoI? You’vegotitallundercontrol,saidFrank.You’reacoolcustomer.We’llseehowcoolyouarewhenyou’releftonyourown,hmm?Verycoolyoumightbethen. Frankseemedtobeaddressingtheseremarkstotheperipheralvenouscathetertapedtotheskinofhisleftarm.Hepickedatitwithamorbidaimlessnessashespoke.Iheardmyownvoicegrowwaverylikeabadchoralperformance. WhywouldIbeleftonmyown?Isaid. He’llgooffandgetmarried. ItwasclearthatFrankdidn’tknowwhoIwas.Realisingthis,Irelaxedsomewhatandwipedatmyeyesovertheedgeofthepapermask.Iwascryingalittle.Wemayaswellhavebeentwostrangerstalkingaboutwhetheritwouldsnowornot. MaybeI’llmarryhim,Isaid. AtthisFranklaughed,aperformancewithoutanyapparentcontext,butwhichgratifiedmeanyway.Ilovedtoberewardedwithlaughter. Notahope.He’llfindsomeyoungone. Youngerthanme? Well,you’regettingon,aren’tyou? ThenIlaughed.FrankgavehisIVlineanavuncularsmile. Butyou’readecentgirl,hesaid.Whatevertheymightsay. Withthisenigmatictruceourconversationended.Itriedtotalktohimfurther,butheappearedtootiredtoengage,ortoobored. Istayedforanhour,thoughthevisitingperiodlastedtwo.WhenIsaidIwasleaving,Frankappearednottonotice.Ilefttheroom,closedthedoorcarefully,andfinallyremovedmypapermaskandplasticapron.Ihelddowntheleveronthedispenserofdisinfectantfluiduntilmyhandswerewet.Itwascold,itstung.Irubbedthemdryandthenleftthehospital.ItwasrainingoutsidebutIdidn’tcallNathan.IwalkedjustlikeIsaidIwould,withmyfurhatpulleddownovermyearsandmyhandsinmypockets. AsIapproachedTaraStreet,Icouldseealittlecrowdhadformedaroundthebridgeandatthesidesoftheroad.Theirfaceslookedpinkinthedarknessandsomeofthemwereholdingumbrellas,whileabovethemLibertyHallbeameddownlikeasatellite.Itwasrainingaweird,humidmistandarescueboatwascomingdowntheriverwithitslightson. Atfirstthecrowdappearedvaguelywholesome,andIwonderediftherewassomekindoffestiveshowhappening,butthenIsawwhateverybodywaslookingat:therewassomethingfloatingintheriver.Icouldseetheslickclothedgeofit.Itwasthesizeofahumanbeing.Nothingwaswholesomeorfestiveatallanymore.Theboatapproachedwithitsorangesirenlightrevolvingsilently.Ididn’tknowwhethertoleave.IthoughtIprobablydidn’twanttoseeadeadhumanbodyliftedoutoftheLiffeybyarescueboat.ButIstayedput.IwasstandingnexttoayoungAsiancouple,agood-lookingwomaninanelegantblackcoatandamanwhowasspeakingonthephone.Theyseemedtomelikenicepeople,peoplewhohadbeendrawnintothedramaofitallnotfortawdryreasonsbutoutofcompassion.IfeltbetteraboutbeingtherewhenInoticedthem. Themanontherescueboatplacedapolewithahookdownintothewater,feelingfortheedgeoftheobject.Thenhebegantopull.Wefellsilent;eventhemanonthephonefellsilent.Wordlesslytheclothpulledaway,upwiththehook,empty.Foramomenttherewasconfusion:wasthebodybeingstrippedofitsclothing?Andthenitbecameclear.Theclothwastheobject.Itwasasleepingbagfloatingonthesurfaceoftheriver.Themanwentbacktotalkingonthephone,andthewomaninthecoatstartedsignallingsomethingtohim,somethinglike:remembertoaskwhattime.Everythingwasnormalthatquickly. TherescueboatmovedawayandIstoodwithmyelbowsonthebridge,myblood-formationsystemworkingasusual,mycellsmaturinganddyingatanormalrate.Nothinginsidemybodywastryingtokillme.Deathwas,ofcourse,themostordinarythingthatcouldhappen,atsomelevelIknewthat.Still,Ihadstoodtherewaitingtoseethebodyintheriver,ignoringthereallivingbodiesallaroundme,asifdeathwasmoreofamiraclethanlifewas.Iwasacoldcustomer.Itwastoocoldtothinkofthingsallthewaythrough. BythetimeIgotbacktotheapartmenttherainhadsoakedthroughmycoat.Inthehallwaymirrormyhatlookedlikeadirtywatervolethatmightwakeupatanysecond.Iremoveditalongwithmycoat.Sukie?Nathansaidfrominside.Ismootheddownmyhairintoanacceptableshape.Howdiditgo?hesaid.Iwalkedinside.Hewassittingonthecouch,holdingtheTVremoteinhisrighthand.You’redrowned,hesaid.Whydidn’tyoucallme? Isaidnothing. Wasitbad?Nathansaid. Inodded.Myfacewascold,burningwithcold,redlikeatrafficlight.Iwentintomyroomandpeeledoffmywetclothestohangthemup.Theywereheavy,andheldtheshapeofmybodyintheircreases.IbrushedmyhairflatandputonmyembroidereddressinggownsothatIfeltcleanandcomposed.Thisiswhathumanbeingsdowiththeirlives,Ithought.Itookoneharddisciplinarybreathandthenwentbackouttothelivingroom. NathanwaswatchingTV,buthehitthemutebuttonwhenIcameout.Igotontothecouchbesidehimandclosedmyeyeswhilehereachedovertotouchmyhair.Weusedtowatchfilmstogetherlikethat,andhewouldtouchmyhairinthatexactway,distractedly.Ifoundhisdistractioncomforting.InawayIwantedtoliveinsideit,asifitwasaplaceofitsown,wherehewouldnevernoticeIhadentered.Ithoughtofsaying:Idon’twanttogobacktoBoston.Iwanttoliveherewithyou.ButinsteadIsaid:Putthesoundbackonifyou’rewatchingit,Idon’tmind. Hehitthebuttonagainandthesoundcameback,tensestringmusicandafemalevoicegasping.Amurder,Ithought.ButwhenIopenedmyeyesitwasasexscene.Shewasonherhandsandkneesandthemalecharacterwasbehindher. Ilikeitlikethat,Isaid.Frombehind,Imean.ThatwayIcanpretendit’syou. Nathancoughed,heliftedhishandawayfrommyhair.Butafterasecondhesaid:GenerallyIjustclosemyeyes.Thesexscenewasovernow.Theywereinacourtroominstead.Ifeltmymouthwatering. Canwefuck?Isaid.Butseriously. Yeah,Iknewyouweregoingtosaythat. Itwouldmakemefeelalotbetter. JesusChrist,saidNathan. Thenwelapsedintosilence.Theconversationwaitedforourreturn.Ihadcalmeddown,Icouldseethat.NathantouchedmyankleandIdevelopedacasualinterestintheplotofthetelevisiondrama. It’snotagoodidea,Nathansaid. Whynot?You’reinlovewithme,aren’tyou? Infamously. It’sonesmallfavour,Isaid. No.Payingforyourflighthomewasasmallfavour.We’renotgoingtoargueaboutthis.It’snotagoodidea. InbedthatnightIaskedhim:Whenwillweknowifthiswasabadideaornot?Shouldwealreadyknow?Becausenowitfeelsgood. No,nowistooearly,hesaid.IthinkwhenyougetbacktoBostonwe’llhavemoreperspective. I’mnotgoingbacktoBoston,Ididn’tsay.Thesecellsmaylookfairlynormal,buttheyarenot. 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